Friday, July 9th, 2010...2:17 pm
The Chosen One
The entire neighbourhood piled into The Rail for LeBron’s momentous announcement last night. I was caught up in the fury, desperate to hear the words of the “Chosen One”. CNN began a countdown around 8pm and the tension was palpable.
A paunchy businessman slurred conspiratorially, this is it, he’s gonna announce how to plug that damn oil well. Hmmm, I replied, that could be it.
No, blared an orange haired dwarf, sitting on big cushions and happily munching away on an enormous plate of Greek fries. He’s going to reveal who was behind 9/11. He’ll tell the whole world it was tall people. Big, fat, tall people. Yeah, I replied, that could be it.
No, interrupted a drunk street person. He’s gonna tell the whole world how the U S Military floods the streets with drugs. He’s gonna spill the beans! Yes, I replied, certainly that could be it.
You’re all nuts, yelled Ginner from the end of the bar. He’s going to announce the winner of the World Cup. I ignored Ginner.
A sloshed banker roared, no, he’s going to implicate the heads of major banks in the financial crisis which crushed the dreams of average people around the whole planet. He’s going to be a hero. Maybe, I replied.
Hat Head strolled in. He’s going to retire, she purred, and do something more meaningful with his life than putting a ball through a hoop. Okay, I replied.
Lex Luthor emerged from underneath the bar, pale, trembling and covered with sweat. It’s about me…it’s all about me…he’s going to reveal my plans for world domination…I kicked Lex back under the bar.
Who is he? asked Goose, before clocking me with a left hook. I sat back on my stool after pushing Goose down the stairs.
Len came in and tried to turn the channel to a 1937 Leaf - Red Wings classic. We turfed him from his own bar.
The cook announced a cessation of all cooking for the duration of the event. He’s going, he excitedly proclaimed, explain the Illuminati plan to create one world government. Possibly, I replied.
A gaunt young lady, wearing flowers in her hair and pink, melded plastic on her feet smiled and said, he’s going to cure the sick. Anyone watching, he’s going to cure. Good, I replied.
A bug eyed loon, clad in a slick army-green raincoat stood up and swore, he’s evil, and the evil bastard is going to unleash a flood of demons and vampires. He must be stopped! Please go back to the bar across the street, I begged.
We all sat huddled, expectantly awaiting the “Chosen One’s” proclamation. We held hands and some wept. In the corner I heard the cooing of a baby. On the street I noticed a collection of cows, camels and black bears, all gathered around the window. A prince and a pauper shook hands and looked at the TV.
Suddenly, a commotion at the end of the bar and then the Beat Poet was pushing his way through to my side.
The Beat Poet gave me a puzzled look and loudly proclaimed, lot of people here to watch this prick tell the world he’s leaving Cleveland for Miami.
I bought the Beat Poet a shot and wandered off into the night…
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