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THE RAIL..It’s not often you sit down for a pint and the fellow next to you volunteers he’s just out of jail after serving a six year manslaughter sentence. Cool (extricate yourself now! alarm raging in your brain). A pleasant conversation ensued where I was taken through the various 9/11 conspiracy theories and, of course, sucker punched with the ludicrous assertion that certain members of a certain group were called en masse and told to stay home from work the day before the planes hit the towers. Ugh. (An aside, if you think Internet rubbish like “Loose Change” does not influence certain people, you are wrong). Now this fine, esteemed member of the human race did detail that his conviction resulted from a bar fight where his pal, now deceased, attacked him with a knife. Five minutes with this guy and I was looking for a Smith & Wesson product…thanks to my homegirl Natasha for the timely save. He butted out of our conversation when the lovely Natasha convulsed with laughter at every inanity coming out of his mouth. Sometimes all it takes to disarm a situation is a beautiful woman…

ICE..in some ways the Toronto Maple Leafs putrid effort against Los Angeles last night represented a new low. The positives remain the play of Tomas Kaberle and Jonas Gustavsson but little else is even remotely inspiring. I am not in the crowd willing to pitch Brian Burke overboard for the Phil Kessel trade. The fact remains that a draft choice is not a guarantee of an NHL player, let alone a star, and Kessel represents an elite talent who can remain in the organization for over a decade. That trade is not the issue. It appears Burke seriously overvalued the talent of his offseason acquisitions, particularly Francois Beauchemin and Mike Komisarek.  Additionally, who could have predicted Vesa Toskala’s fetish for inconsistent, uneven play? A work in progress indeed but, as Len stated on his generally excellent stint on The Fan last night, it is just so frustrating to see a team like Buffalo constantly replenish their ranks with highly skilled, highly motivated players while Toronto staggers through a parade of mediocrities. There is no alternative but to wait for Burke’s next move. And, oh yeah, keep the faith…

THE RACKET..I ended up watching Serena William’s amazing comeback against Victoria Azarenka from the Australian Open last night. Serena lost the first set and was trailing 0-4 in the second when she suddenly, and rather ferociously, found her absolute best and dealt series after series of monster shots. The psychological dimensions of the match were breathtaking, as Serena seemed to grow, surging in confidence, while Azarenka wilted, at one point dropping her racquet. Interestingly, this is the second year in a row the pair have met in the Open, and in both matches Azarenka shot out to a quick lead, taking the first set, before the sheer emotional heft of Williams seemed to reach out and crush her…if Serena ever wanted to go out on a date with me, well, I would be willing. Just, you know, throwing that out there…I once wrote a spectacularly vulgar poem entitled, “Serena Will You Whack My Balls”. (Serena is a champion, the best in the world, so why the authorities always messin’ wit my girl?)…(Serena I dreamt you ran, just like Niagara Falls, girl, pick up that racquet, and whack my balls)…I’ll try to find it, back in the day I had bouts of modesty and thought it best to keep the masterpiece private…those days, the days of modesty, are clearly long gone…

PUG LIFE..who didn’t see this coming; Evander Holyfield has pulled out of his February excursion to Uganda where the 47 year old was scheduled to fight Frans Botha.  The “Real Deal” did not receive promised advance payments and has opted to take a fight in the U S in March, rather than travel to Africa. Holyfield is taking a hammering in boxing forums after his status as a long-time steroid user was revealed in a recent Thomas Hauser column. The man’s reputation is in tatters, further impugned by his proliferate breeding habits. Commander Vander has turned into a joke…to this point no American TV Network has picked up the March 20^th Vladimir Klitschko - Eddie Chambers fight…

ANOTHER ONE WORD REVIEW OF A JAMES CAMERON MOVIE..Shitanic…